Wedding etiquette includes being mindful of how much it costs guests to attend
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7:44 AM on Thursday, October 23
By ADRIANA MORGA
NEW YORK (AP) — Weddings are meant to be celebrations of love. They also may require invited guests to make a financial commitment that brings them stress.
Whether it’s paying for hotels and flights to attend a destination wedding or different outfits and gifts for multiple pre-wedding events, friends and extended family often feel pressure to spend a large amount of money before the couple gets married.
A sense of obligation and budget constraints can create resentment, hurt feelings and misunderstandings among friends and family. Future spouses who are trying to plan their dream wedding and are worried about their own expenses might want to factor in their guests' potential costs.
“Money is part of how we show up for one another,” Christine Hargrove, a licensed therapist who serves as assistant director of the Love and Money Center at the University of Georgia. “But don’t let finances get in the way of lifelong friendships or family relationships that are healthy and supportive."
Hargrove often sees budgeting issues becoming friendship issues for couples and members of their wedding party. While asking someone to be a groomsman or a bridesmaid usually is intended to show appreciation, sometimes left unacknowledged is the possible financial burden of being part of a bachelor or bachelorette party, as well as the big day itself.
“If somebody says ‘I care about you, I really want to come to your wedding but I absolutely cannot afford five days in the Caribbean on top of already going to a wedding,’ don’t take it personally,” Hargrove advises.
Conversations surrounding money can be very emotional, but everyone involved will benefit if they approach the topic with understanding, recommended Hargrove.
“Couples have to keep in mind that people do have different budgets, different backgrounds. People have different work responsibilities and capabilities of taking PTO,” said Sarah Schreiber, a former magazine weddings editor turned wedding consultant.
Here are some recommendations for ways engaged couples can reduce costs for their wedding guests and how guests can participate without going into debt.
It’s customary for the couple getting married to reserve a block of rooms at a discounted rate for their out-of-town guests. Schreiber recommends having at least a couple hotel options at different price ranges.
Covering the cost of transportation to and from the wedding venue, paying for childcare if kids are not invited to the celebration, and hosting a morning-after breakfast are other ways couples can make their wedding less expensive for guests, according to Cassie Horrell, a wedding planner based in Pittsburgh.
“There’s little things you can do here and there to be mindful of what costs you can eat for your guests,” Horrell said.
Putting a “no gifts” request on your invitations is another way to reduce costs for guests, said Rachel Lawrence, the head of advice and planning for the budgeting app Monarch Money.
Informing members of the wedding party and other close friends well in advance about what they can expect to pay for a bachelor party abroad or to rent a tuxedo or have their makeup done helps them decide if they can participate, Hargrove said.
If someone agrees to be part of the wedding party and later learns a bride and groom have expensive tastes, they may feel cornered into spending on a splash they can’t afford, she said.
If a friend or relative says they cannot attend a pre-wedding event or the wedding itself due to cost, respond in a kind and gracious way, Hargrove advises.
“Accept it gracefully and you’re gonna have a lot fewer issues relationally. It shows a lot of respect, it shows conscientiousness. People appreciate it. And there’s a lot fewer hurt feelings,” she said.
If the cost of attending a wedding is too high, consider dividing it with a group of friends, said Esther Lee, a deputy editor and wedding expert for The Knot. From sharing a hotel room or sleeping on someone's couch to going in on group trips and splitting the bill for airport transportation, other guests may also be on a budget.
Between the bachelorette party, the bridal shower and the weekend destination wedding, the costs can pile up. If you want to stay on budget, it’s OK to skip some events and choose to attend the ones you think will be the most meaningful for the person getting married.
“It's hard for people to say no, and we want to show up for everyone. But if it doesn’t work with your budget, then you don’t want to be going into debt just to try and make it" Chelsea Hodl, a financial planner for the financial services app Domain Money.
Communicating to your friend or family member ahead of time which events you will be able to attend is recommended.
If you’re working on a tight budget, wedding attire is a place to cut back. Renting a dress or a tux from online websites like Rent The Runway, Nuuly or Black Tux may be less expensive than buying clothes you'll hardly ever wear.
Guests also can consider wearing a dress they already own or borrowing one from a friend, The Knot's Lee said.
“Nobody is judging you for re-wearing something, so don’t be your harshest critic,” she said.
You don't need to feel ashamed if you cannot afford to attend the wedding of a loved one, Hargrove said. Being honest about the reason why you won't be there for their special day can help prevent negative feelings or misunderstandings.
“When you are willing to be direct with someone, it just clears the air and it’s amazing how powerful, clear, honest and direct self-disclosure can be,” Hargrove said.
If you will miss a friend's wedding, try showing your affection for them in another way, such as inviting them to dinner, or sending them flowers on the wedding day. An inexpensive gesture can demonstrate your love without sacrificing yourself and your finances.
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The Associated Press receives support from Charles Schwab Foundation for educational and explanatory reporting to improve financial literacy. The independent foundation is separate from Charles Schwab and Co. Inc. The AP is solely responsible for its journalism.
