9 Things to Do before You Complain about Your Church or Pastor

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5:10 PM on Tuesday, March 11

By Clarence L. Haynes Jr., Slideshows

1. Pray

Pray continually. - 1 Thessalonians 5:17

Before you ever complain, pray. When you identify something that you can complain about, talk to the Lord about it first. Complaining is easy, but praying is the humble road and the better first option. When you pray, start by asking for clarity. Not for them, but for yourself. Sometimes, what you want to complain about is not worthy of a complaint. It could be possible God is revealing something to you, not because he wants you to tell the world, but because he wants you to pray about it. As you pray, you can ask God what he wants you to do in this situation, and whatever he leads you to do, then do it. He could lead you to say something, or he may lead you to say nothing. You will not go wrong in either scenario if you follow his lead. When you begin in prayer, it naturally flows into the second thing you should do.

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2. Examine Your Heart First

In Matthew, Jesus gives us the one thing we must do first before we identify the faults in others. We must examine our hearts first.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. -Matthew 7:3-5

The reason Jesus said this is that he wants us to look inward first before we jump on the issues of others. Before you complain, if you remember you have some issues too, it changes your perspective and attitude to the situation. Sometimes, when we see the flaws in others, we forget our own, and instead of approaching these situations humbly and graciously, we come with a level of arrogance. That’s why you remove the log in your eye first so you can see clearly. When you look inward first, the issue may not be the church or the pastor. May you are the problem. That’s why the wise thing to do is check your own heart before you complain about the issues of others. This leads to step three.

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3. Put Yourself in Their Shoes

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. - Hebrews 4:15

The body of Christ needs more empathy. Jesus modeled it for us by living as humans so he could feel and experience everything we feel. For a moment, forget about yourself and think about what it must be like to walk in the pastor's shoes. Have you ever considered the pressure your pastor lives under? As spiritual shepherds over the congregation, do you realize how many challenging life stories they carry and must address every week? Most times, you don’t hear because they can’t share them. Often, they carry them alone. Consider how this one aspect can increase the stress of doing ministry, and this is just one part of the job. Before you complain about the pastor, think about what they do, and maybe that will cause you to pray a whole lot more than you ever want to complain. Let’s go on to step four.

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4. Check Your Expectations

Is your complaint valid, or is it the result of unrealistic expectations? I have discovered that when we complain, it could be the byproduct of expectations that don’t align with our situation. It’s like going to a restaurant specializing in seafood, ordering the BBQ, and then complaining because it’s not done right. Checking your expectations requires you to think about the organization or the leader and see how your complaint aligns with the reality of what the organization can do. If it is not valid, then your journey stops here. If it is valid, then you can proceed to the next step.

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5. Define the Issue

Now that you know your expectations are valid, go beyond the surface and figure out the issue. For example, you might find that the children in the sanctuary are too noisy. While that is a legitimate complaint, the deeper issue is they don’t have anyone to teach that age group. So, don’t just look at the problem; look for the cause of the problem because it will help you move to the next step.

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6. Identify a Solution

Now that you know what the issue is, you can start looking for solutions to the problem. By looking for solutions, you position yourself as one who cares and wants to help, not just one who likes to complain and grumble. The fact is, if the complaint you have is legitimate, then the church is most likely going to search for an answer to it. Why not beat them to the punch? Think about the church, the pastor, and maybe the resources and look to see how you can be a solver of the problems you see. When you come up with an answer, move to the next step.

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7. Talk to Leadership

Notice how far down the list this is, but don’t think this is out of place. It isn’t. By now, you have had time to pray, process, and consider solutions to the problem. Now, when you talk to the church's leadership, you can come with the right heart and mindset. By now, you are not only bringing your complaint but a potential answer to solve it. With the weight that pastors carry, this will be a much more welcoming conversation.

8. Be Willing to Be Part of the Solution

Hopefully, part of your solution will be to get involved if necessary. For example, if the issue is they need more workers, you could volunteer to help in that ministry. If that is not the right ministry for you, you can help find workers for that ministry. There are always ways you can contribute that separate you from those who grumble a lot but help a little. Your willingness to do this will make you an aid to the church and the pastor.

9. Remember, Grace Matters

The last step in the process is to remember grace. While I mentioned it last, you should remember it throughout each step. My former pastor said we should always err on the side of grace. This means that instead of being quick to complain, be quick to give grace. You do this because this is what you want extended to you. Remember, you have flaws, too, and when they appear, what you desire to receive from those around you is grace. If this is what you want to receive, then this is what you should give.

The presence of pastors and churches will always bring opportunities for complaint—that's the reality of being human. However, the heart of the matter isn't the complaint but how you handle it. When you approach your concerns through the lens of prayer, self-examination, and Biblical wisdom, you position yourself to be part of the solution rather than adding to the problem.

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. - Colossians 3:13

Here is the challenge for today. The next time you feel that urge to complain, pause, pray, and proceed with grace. Your approach to church challenges could be the difference between causing division and fostering unity in the body of Christ. After all, we're not just members of a church. We are part of the family of God.